5/29/10

I think perhaps I'm on my own climb. (Cue the music)


I’m feeling a bit scared these days, and I’ve been desperately searching my soul to figure out why.

My crazy life is changing, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I’m not talking about those changes that are thrust upon you by a middle of the night phone call. I KNOW, unfortunately, what those kinds of changes do to a person. (I’ve had more of those calls than I can count.) Those are the changes that grab you from behind when no one is looking.

The change I feel growing near is one I can just barely make out in the distance. I see its silhouette. I can sense its approach – and there is nothing I can do to slow its forward progress. It moves with a great sense and purpose and never veers from its course. I am slowly accepting the fact that in a matter of moments it will be perched upon my doorstep.

I have always felt like a brave and independent woman. (I like to thank my Navy brat upbringing for that.) I’ve weathered many a painful storm, only to turn my face to the sun and thank the Lord I was still standing.

These days? I don’t feel so brave.

When Bitchy left home to go to college, I was fooled into thinking she was still here because I could practically throw a rock through her dorm window. I didn’t see her every day, but I could feel her presence in my heart and that gave me great comfort.

When Sassy leaves at the end of the summer, she will travel 300 miles to begin the next chapter of her life. She will take with her a field hockey stick, a great sense of humor, and her mother’s love and great expectation. With both of my hormonal, screaming, argumentative, strong-willed, amazing, wonderful girls pursuing their dreams- this house for ONCE will have testosterone in the lead. (I’m still not convinced I have ANY estrogen left after that hysterectomy debacle. But that’s another story entirely.)


I find myself re-defining who I am.


It’s a scary feeling. I do realize that the only person who can help me find my OWN way…is me. I am finally, after all these years, thinking about and searching for what makes me happy, content, fulfilled and complete. I’m not sure where this new path will take me, but I am mustering up all the courage I can.


I have a strange inkling that I’m gonna need it.


41 comments:

TallButShort said...

Wow, I love this post (It's kind of cool to feel how I'm felling from the opposite point of view...A parent, although I'm not going off to college to soon...But I'm scared as hell/excited out of my mind to leave...)

TallButShort said...

And WOOHOO! Got the first comment!

Cheryl said...

Transitions...eek!

Working with kindergartners all day long can't help but give you the humor you'll need to bolster that courage.

Smile, cutie, we're all behind you!

only a movie said...

Good for you for recognizing your own transitions as your kids go through theirs... :-)

Irish Gumbo said...

(screeeeeech!)

Get in the van, my dahlin' VM...I'm heading that direction :)

Missy said...

I wish you all the luck! This will be a wonderful search! Love this post!

a Broad said...

I did it .. one daughter out of the nest .. son and husband still there.

The silence .... the weird expectation of someone trying to come in quietly after curfew at night.. someone calling me with that tone.. you know the one, foot tapping, hand on hip .. she is the adult, I am the child ...
Mom, where is my sweater, you know I was going to wear it today....

It was dreadful


for about a week.


And you adjust and your days change and when they come home to visit , it is an adjustment again!

We are constantly being expected to adjust !!
un beso ..

Malisa said...

When my kids were young, I found myself always wishing that they would hurry up and grow up. How I wish I could take those thoughts back.

As each of our sons left to go to school, I would cry for days...Lurch did a happy dance. Men don't get it.

It will take some time, but you will adjust. It is indeed a time for you to focus some time on your happiness.

By the way, by the time you get that handsome young man out of your house, you will be welcoming son-in-laws and beautiful grandbabies into your life! Life stays hectic...just in different ways!

Malisa

Everyday Goddess said...

If you see the problem, you can also see the solution. It just depends on where you want to put your focus.

I have faith in you being tuned into the solution!

The best thing you can do for your dear girls is to let them create their own solutions. They'll do it perfectly for themselves, because they had you to show them how.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I'm a mere 2 years from a fully empty nest--it's an adjustment for sure. Thank goodness for teaching and writing, eh?

Mike said...

Change is usually scary and I'm not a big fan of it. However I try to remember nothing good can ever come about without change.

Brian Miller said...

thanks being real VM...it will be fun...you are changing..and how you parent will be different, but i think you will have fun along the way...

injaynesworld said...

Someone a helluva lot wiser than me once said, "Courage isn't the absence of fear. It's feeling the fear, but doing it anyway."

Also, there's sometimes a very gray line between what we perceive as fear and what may actually be excitement.

I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but I've found that whenever I've asked the Universe to show me the way and I have "acted in faith believing," wonderful things have happened.

This new chapter in your life could be the best yet!

Snappy Di said...

No kids at home? Woo Hoo... we like it that way. Empty nesting to the max around here. You will adjust.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Brenda Susan said...

I have a "strange inkling" you are actually going to love
finding the you that is not all about the kids. An empty nest is a beautiful thing my friend! (will it be empty, are there younger kids?)
The perks...
- I no longer wear a bra at home!
- I buy half as much milk.
- I run the dishwasher about once a week!
- I don't have to hide my candy stash.

It's pretty nice...as long as they call or Facebook me every few days!

Frau said...

Good luck....but I think your son is going to keep you plenty busy. Have a wonderful weekend.

middleagedcrazywoman said...

I've been going thru a period of deep change and it is a little scary but it is also freeing in an odd sort of way. I never knew I was this strong, it's been a while since I had to be.

You will be strong. See how strong you made your daughter? Where do you think she go the strength to move 300 kms away?

You can do it.

M

Paige Lacey said...

It's scary, isn't it? I've been right there where you are for almost a year now, and I'm still figuring me out. BUT, it's exciting, too. And the truth is, you are still who you always were. Just less distracted by the obligations of helping others become who they are. Embrace that opportunity and realize that no matter where your daughters are, you are always with them.

dizzblnd said...

This post really touched me. I am feeling the same way. Though my kids are still here.. they are legally adults. They don't NEED me anymore, just my money. OK OK they need my love and emotional and physical support, but .. well you understand. We will ALL find our way. If we have to do it together, we are blessed. Thank you for such a touching, thought provoking post

CatLadyLarew said...

In the last five years I've gone through many changes... empty nest, divorce, unemployment. But slogging through it all, I'm still the same person I always was and I've been blessed with the support of friends. Sending positive energy to you...

Laura said...

Hugs & prayers for you...I'm nowhere near the nearly-empty nest, but I have looming changes, too. Just know that you are NOT alone!!

Chris said...

As crazy as life is with three boys at home, I can't imagine us not being a family unit under one roof. You blaze the trail, and I follow your example... sooner than I'm ready, I'm certain. xxoo

An Open Heart said...

I, too, have that quote posted in a conspicuous place. This post is beautiful and honest...you seem pretty fearless to me....

♥♥♥♥♥

KaLynn said...

It is a strange feeling. My three youngest kids are about 2 and a half years apart but in school they were four years apart. The two girls were Senior, Junior and the youngest boy a Freshman. I felt like they had abandoned me when JD moved out. AND they were all still in the same town as me!! But that is what I felt. It had been them and me since 1989 and it was 2004 when the last one left.


Hugs to you! It will all be good. I promise. Just different. But good.

Steven Anthony said...

this post is wonderful...it made me think of my mumm, crying as she drove away, leaving me 608 miles from home...it was a strange four yrs, being so far away from her, my best friend...we talked on the phone all the time, and she visited when she could....it was a strange time, but it made us both stronger.....I believe you will have a simular journey, both comming out on the otherside, stronger and knowing how deeply you care for each other.

hold on my friend, it will be a bumpy ride, but worth every pothole ;)

MommyToTwoBoys said...

Man, and I am here crying because next year my 3 year old has lunch at his half day PreK! I am sad thinking about how I need to cherish our last few lunches together this summer! If I started thinking about college I would probably have instant heart failure.

And being in a house of testosterone ain't too bad. I've been dealing with it for a while now, but I've also never known anything different...

Lisa said...

It's going to be strange to be hormonally outnumbered, but I bet The Golden Boy is looking forward to being a sort of "only." Wait, I may be projecting Sophia's wishes onto him.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

This time next year your book will be published. You will go on a book signing tour. And your girls will be begging to meet you in the cities they have always wanted to go to.... your final destination will be Honolulu, where you will be met by a blogger/teacher friend who will give yo a tour of the most secret/best places on the island.

Suzy said...

Just once I'd like to hear ONE mother say what the other mothers are thinking, "Oh thank GOD they're out of the goddamn house!"

Oy.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm kid-less but I've had this conversation with my mom. I left home at 20 and moved 800 miles away, then several years later moved 2500 miles away. She says the way she dealt with it was ALWAYS having a bed (not just a sofa) for me to come home to.

Good for you thinking about it in advance and re-defining yourself!

High fives,
jj

Anonymous said...

知道他有了外遇
面對他的低聲下氣妳冷嘲熱諷、無理取鬧
妳瘋狂似的大吵大鬧
甚至到他的公司去亂、向他的親友抱怨、向鄰居們哭訴…
妳把他的外遇鬧的人盡皆知
最後,妳把他的愧疚消耗殆盡…
最後,妳把他想要回頭的念頭打消…
最後,妳自己把他推向外遇的第三者身邊…

Kate Coveny Hood said...

While "Anonymous" really said it all right there... I'll just add that I am terrified by pretty much every day and what it holds. But considering the alternative helps keep things in perspective. Maybe some of those moms of boys can give you tips on how to survive life in a house of men!

Smart A$$ Mom said...

Hello, D, my old friend! (I just heard SImon and Garfunkle's Hello Darkness My Old Friend in my head, did you, too?) Unexpected change is something, no? Though I've not sent anyone off to college, I heard something I hope to always stick to: "Don't make a big decision during a big change"

peewee said...

Change is always a bitch. But I find it's just a bitch until it gets REAL FUN!

ps. Just read this book called "switch" and it's all about change but not in a self help kind of way, just a VERY fascinating human way. It just came out. I think you'll like it :)

Holly said...

I know exactly how you feel. The thought of my baby leaving for college last year made me want to be sick to my stomach. It passes and everyday gets a little bit easier. I didn't know how much I'd be able to miss my boys when they were away at school.

Elenka said...

ha ha ha ha ......That's about all I could pathetically say.....you see....I had the same feelings.....exactly....then I eventually got over them.....and then....oh yes....and then....HE CAME BACK AND CAN"T GET RID OF HIM.
So my advice.....do not worry. Rather, enjoy it.

11.5 days of school left.....

Merrily Down the Stream said...

'I can feel it coming in the air at night'
Must be going around - subject of my post too. and Violet in the Middle.

Anonymous said...

知道他有了外遇
面對他的低聲下氣妳冷嘲熱諷、無理取鬧
妳瘋狂似的大吵大鬧
甚至到他的公司去亂、向他的親友抱怨、向鄰居們哭訴…
妳把他的外遇鬧的人盡皆知
最後,妳把他的愧疚消耗殆盡…
最後,妳把他想要回頭的念頭打消…
最後,妳自己把他推向外遇的第三者身邊…

ToyLady said...

My little boy's finally settling in to his new home - about 350 miles from HOME. It's hard. But good - takes a little getting used to, that's all.

His room is going to become a guest room, I think.

Change - yeah.

adrienne said...

I'm in a similar place - with the difference that I've never felt brave. Here's hoping courage arrives when you need it.

Annie said...

I have a magnet on my refrigerator that looks just like that.

How in the world did she decide she had to move so far away???