My top ten must-haves for any friends you have might be thinking about shaking up their whole lives before the holidays. (But don’t actually count ‘em cause I’ve been known to get distracted and lose count.
10. A large wipe off calendar to hang in her pantry/kitchen/basement or garage. Please fill in said calendar for her with activities, coffee dates, happy hours and projects to keep her occupied and keep her mind off of the incredible challenges that will surely lie ahead. Sometimes if we have an inkling of what dangers lay ahead, we are too afraid to complete the quest. Distract her, my friends. Distract her.
9. A large shop-vac with many attachments. Odds are great that she won’t even realize she needs this until she moves into her new place and discovers that she needs to clean corners, fireplaces, closets, under sinks and other spots where mice might conveniently hide their poop.
8. Hundreds of mousetraps. If this person refuses to get a cat because she doesn’t want to become the lonely cat woman that everyone makes fun of, then be sure to give her plenty of mousetraps, rubber gloves, nose plugs and tiny garbage bags. (Also, please refer to item #1.)
7. Batteries; ALL kinds of batteries; D’s, C’s, AAA’s, AA’, AAAAA’s, X’s, and flat round ones. Also don’t forget the square ones for the smoke detectors that will go off in the middle of the night when not working and might force her to call her hunky neighbor who is still hiding from her after a crazy “Who’s your Daddy” microphone debacle. (Did I just use TWO semi-colons in one sentence? Jesus, I’m even impressing myself today.)
6. Flashlights. These go surprisingly well with the previous item, and are a must have when fixing the toilet, locating the fuse box, checking the fireplace flue and finding the cat who has gotten himself lodged into a space that was previously undiscovered. The flashlights are a must have, but are not something you remember to grab when leaving the home you’ve lovingly tended for 16 years. (And grab some extensions cords. For God's sake- grab the cords.)
5. A fully stocked spice cabinet. She’s gonna need ALL of it. Salt, pepper, paprika, celery salt, saffron, hot pepper flakes, vermouth, paprika, cinnamon, nutmeg, chicken broth, bitters, beef broth, vermouth, brown sugar, and all that other shit that you need in the middle of a recipe but have run out of. (Also refer to item #1.)
4. Stamps, envelopes, clips, sharpies and other various office supplies. She will use said envelopes and stamps to send notes, bills, child/spousal support payments to people who refuse to get a real job and anonymous gifts to others in need.
3. Cigars. Those small, deliciously flavored cigars are a lovely addition to the late night relaxing sessions on her quiet, lovely front porch. She will spend many an evening on said front porch swing using various items from her spice cabinet (Please refer to item #1), looking out at the incredible countryside and counting her amazing blessings.
2. A tool kit; a great big complete tool kit. She will use items from this tool kit EVERY SINGLE DAY. (You might want to tuck an extra toilet handle kit, a few gift cards to the local hardware store and some super glue. Trust me.)
1. Liquor; plenty and plenty of liquor. (Any vodka will do...)