12/4/11

The top ten items you should buy for your newly separated friend who moved out of her house cause the other person wouldn’t. (aka The Divorced Woman’s Christmas List)




My top ten must-haves for any friends you have might be thinking about shaking up their whole lives before the holidays.  (But don’t actually count ‘em cause I’ve been known to get distracted and lose count.


10.   A large wipe off calendar to hang in her pantry/kitchen/basement or garage.  Please fill in said calendar for her with activities, coffee dates, happy hours and projects to keep her occupied and keep her mind off of the incredible challenges that will surely lie ahead.  Sometimes if we have an inkling of what dangers lay ahead, we are too afraid to complete the quest.  Distract her, my friends. Distract her.

9.  A large shop-vac with many attachments.  Odds are great that she won’t even realize she needs this until she moves into her new place and discovers that she needs to clean corners, fireplaces, closets, under sinks and other spots where mice might conveniently hide their poop.

8. Hundreds of mousetraps. If this person refuses to get a cat because she doesn’t want to become the lonely cat woman that everyone makes fun of, then be sure to give her plenty of mousetraps, rubber gloves, nose plugs and tiny garbage bags.  (Also, please refer to item #1.)

7.  Batteries; ALL kinds of batteries; D’s, C’s, AAA’s, AA’, AAAAA’s, X’s, and flat round ones.  Also don’t forget the square ones for the smoke detectors that will go off in the middle of the night when not working and might force her to call her hunky neighbor who is still hiding from her after a crazy “Who’s your Daddy” microphone debacle.  (Did I just use TWO semi-colons in one sentence?  Jesus, I’m even impressing myself today.)

6.  Flashlights.  These go surprisingly well with the previous item, and are a must have when fixing the toilet, locating the fuse box, checking the fireplace flue and finding the cat who has gotten himself lodged into a space that was previously undiscovered.  The flashlights are a must have, but are not something you remember to grab when leaving the home you’ve lovingly tended for 16 years.  (And grab some extensions cords. For God's sake- grab the cords.)

5. A fully stocked spice cabinet.  She’s gonna need ALL of it.  Salt, pepper, paprika, celery salt, saffron, hot pepper flakes, vermouth, paprika, cinnamon, nutmeg, chicken broth, bitters, beef broth, vermouth, brown sugar, and all that other shit that you need in the middle of a recipe but have run out of.  (Also refer to item #1.)


4.  Stamps, envelopes, clips, sharpies and other various office supplies.  She will use said envelopes and stamps to send notes, bills, child/spousal support payments to people who refuse to get a real job and anonymous gifts to others in need. 


3.  Cigars.  Those small, deliciously flavored cigars are a lovely addition to the late night relaxing sessions on her quiet, lovely front porch.  She will spend many an evening on said front porch swing using various items from her spice cabinet (Please refer to item #1), looking out at the incredible countryside and counting her amazing blessings.


2. A tool kit; a great big complete tool kit.   She will use items from this tool kit EVERY SINGLE DAY.  (You might want to tuck an extra toilet handle kit, a few gift cards to the local hardware store and some super glue. Trust me.) 




1.   Liquor; plenty and plenty of liquor.  (Any vodka will do...)

38 comments:

That gentleman's lady said...

Vodka for preference?

Brian Miller said...

you know, you are turning into a regular bad a$$...picture in my head of you on porch, cigar as the sun goes down, glass in hand with a monkey wrench across your lap...smiles...

(Single)Mommy said...

Great list I second the vodka!

noexcuses said...

Your list is not missing a thing! Thanks for sharing your great wisdom!

Irish Gumbo said...

You said tool (snicker).

What Brian said! I think you are going to be just fine, my dear. Great list.

Knot Telling said...

Great list! I'd only add duct tape and 3-in-1 oil. (As in "If it moves and it shouldn't, tape it. If it doesn't move and it should, oil it.")

Actuary Mom said...

I'm thinking #1 is the most important.n

Marinka said...

I can send my cat! On loan only, of course!

Vodka Mom said...

crap- HOW could I forget DUCT TAPE?? Must have been too much #1.

Karen Harrington said...

Oh, what a list! I hope Santa brings plenty of your #1 item. xo (And btw, this could be parlayed into a pretty funny book, you know! You already have the chapter headings!!)

Lynn MacDonald said...

One year later and see what you've learned! When I went to college my dad bought me a toolkit and I gave one to both my girls for college!!,

Mandatory

Lots of love girl!!! You're doing great

SkylersDad said...

What's the story with the hunky neighbor? (pops popcorn and sits back waiting to hear)

LPC said...

I'd add a new, small, Le Creuset pot. To make stews and soups that one person can eat in one week:). Wishing you well.

Sue said...

You said "it" absolutely perfectly! Enjoy the chair and vodka, cheers!

Take care, Sue

PS I had to pay the ex too! It sucks!

Dawn said...

I didn't move after my divorce, he did... but he must have known about this list because he took every tool, every flashlight,the circular saw, the shop vac. Heck. Who knew I would miss those things??

That Janie Girl said...

Why didn't I think about all that? I could have helped. Can you ship liquor intrastate?

Anonymous said...

I think #10-- is as important as #1.

Really and truly-- distraction is the key.
Friends. Cocktails of choice and something to look forward to doing.....

You are an amazing woman-do not forget it.

Suzy said...

"Lovingly tended for 16 years" got me, and you know why. (mine was 20)

Sharyn said...

What a funny, clever and useful way of starting to turn your own lemons into lemonade for everyone.

needsatimeout said...

You are very clever maybe you could open your own web business you could sell gift baskets for tough times. :) I am always trying to figure out how to help someone in need and I don't or shouldn't cook for otehrs lol. This seems like an awfully sarcastic comment but it is not meant to sound this way. <3

Casey Freeland said...

Very sweet, but I think #1 is the only one of any importance. :)

Cheers,

Casey

MysteryChick said...

Sorry you're going through this. I left the family home as well. Three years later I'm still discovering the things I left behind.

Gayle said...

This is an important list....I walked out the door without any of it either and have had to start over. If I only knew then what I know now.You've done a great public service letting women know what to take with them.

Pseudo said...

Ah Vodka, get the cat. You are crazy fun and not crazy crazy, and you will never be lonely if we can help you.

Someone from Tightwad's side of the family needs to tell him to man up, get a job, and stop collecting child support from a teacher. I am amazed with what we get paid that you found a place yo could afford on your own and have no idea how you can pay child support.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I love the list, especially the tool box. I needed that when I was a single woman once again. I also needed to know how to fill my car with radiator fluid, change the wiper blades and so on.

The cigar cracked me up!

Leslie said...

You also forgot a plunger. :(. And Goo-Be-Gone and WD-40.

But so much of this list is a HUGE yes! I puffy heart love my Shopvac. Sad, right? And why aren't we neighbors. That is one huge cosmic mistake, because I SOOOO would be on that porch with you.

Ivanhoe said...

Hey I'm married and I need all of those too! Except the mouse traps that is :)
Hugs to you from Ohio!

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm gonna go out on a limb and posit that you might have left off a little thing called a vibrator.

Yeah, I said it.

WebSavvyMom said...

-->My dear, you need THIS kind of toolkit.

http://www.websavvymom.com/2009/07/bloody-mary-tool-kit.html

Trust me.

Air Purifiers said...

Lol, I love this! Those really are good things for a newly single woman to have...I especially like the part about cigars- not all women like them, but I do! And booze is always helpful with, well...anything. I think Toilet Paper should be on that list too. And a...um, thing that uses batteries...and is like a man but better because it doesn't talk and can get turned on with a literal push of the button.

Trooper Thorn said...

New Towels. She probably left with the shitty, threadbare ones that had been used to clean up kid puke in the old house.

RottenMom said...

Oh, I can just picture you smoking that cigar..totally bad ass for sure!

Cora said...

And don't forget the chocolate!

Emily from Beauties and the Feast said...

This is hilarious and oh so true! I have a friend who will soon need everything on this list!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post Vodka Mom! I did this a year ago...left because he wouldn't even consider it. But just this week realized I didn't have a tire pressure gage! You're an inspiration and a kindred spirit. Love your blog! Happy Holidays! Freedom is a good thing... amazingly difficult but good.

♥ Braja said...

Whaaaat??? Honey I LOVE cigars. Why didn't we have cigars when I was there? Besides the fact that it was WAY too cold to sit on that damned verandah....

Taradharma said...

excellent list. i am in need, as the recently separated who moved out because the spouse wouldn't. Geez.

Only thing I would add: DVDs of really silly comedies. Lots of them. Laugh Laugh Laugh!~

Found you via Anna's blog.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Damn, woman. I would've left behind the big stuff and taken all this little stuff with me JUST TO SPITE THE BASTARD. We brought all this stuff with us to the UK just because I refused to have to deal with it... Of course, if I was fed up and ready to go, I can also imagine just walking out the door. Gah. I admire your grit so much. Chin up and I hope all the things on your list appear! xoxo