Top SEVEN things you can do when not trying to commit harakiri cause you’ve been incapacitated for TOO DAMN LONG (aka eight weeks) and can only walk around once an hour for a split second or so.
7. List ways you can off yourself.
6. Google interesting ways you can off yourself. (Forget the log. It only wants to hurt you and inflict pain AND wants you to finish yourself off yourself.)
5. Discover the list your children have made of ways THEY can off you,cause by now you’ve effectively driven them insane. (And visa versa.)
4. Stumble upon a great guy on match.com, and then see how many times you can whine, complain, moan and groan (get your mind out of the gutter, people) before he CUTS AND RUNS. (The jury is still out, but not for lack of trying on MY part; apparently I’m a GREAT complainer.)
3. Conduct an experiment to see how FAST you can put on that 35 pounds that it took you two years to lose. I recommend eating ALL the Hershey Mini’s, Ferraro Rocher’s, Lindor Truffles and Ghirardelli chocolates that all your friends so thoughtfully provided you while in the hospital. (Do NOT share; I repeat, do not share said candies.) (This particular item might have a direct impact on #7, and will probably hasten said “cut and run”.)
2. Have your daughters try to help you pull on your incredibly tight (and very sexy) white compression stockings that are designed to stop blood clots while you lie on the floor in an incredibly unflattering position. This will not only provide them with hysterical (but painful) entertainment, it will ensure that they do NOT come and “help” you again during your convalescence. (“This would be much easier if you were a baby…..and smaller….and NOT our mother…..” Everyone’s a damn comedian.)
1. See how many Middleswarth Bar-b-que Potato chips you can eat in one whole day. It helps when your friends (who know you too well) provide you with multiple (hundreds of) bags of said chips in an effort to lift your sinking spirits. I also highly recommend keeping crumbs of said chips on your increasingly large bosom. (They sparkle….kind of like edible glitter….)
someone throw me a life preserver......I'm sinking fast......