I’m feeling a bit scared these days, and I’ve been desperately searching my soul to figure out why.
My crazy life is changing, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I’m not talking about those changes that are thrust upon you by a middle of the night phone call. I KNOW, unfortunately, what those kinds of changes do to a person. (I’ve had more of those calls than I can count.) Those are the changes that grab you from behind when no one is looking.
The change I feel growing near is one I can just barely make out in the distance. I see its silhouette. I can sense its approach – and there is nothing I can do to slow its forward progress. It moves with a great sense and purpose and never veers from its course. I am slowly accepting the fact that in a matter of moments it will be perched upon my doorstep.
I have always felt like a brave and independent woman. (I like to thank my Navy brat upbringing for that.) I’ve weathered many a painful storm, only to turn my face to the sun and thank the Lord I was still standing.
These days? I don’t feel so brave.
When Bitchy left home to go to college, I was fooled into thinking she was still here because I could practically throw a rock through her dorm window. I didn’t see her every day, but I could feel her presence in my heart and that gave me great comfort.
When Sassy leaves at the end of the summer, she will travel 300 miles to begin the next chapter of her life. She will take with her a field hockey stick, a great sense of humor, and her mother’s love and great expectation. With both of my hormonal, screaming, argumentative, strong-willed, amazing, wonderful girls pursuing their dreams- this house for ONCE will have testosterone in the lead. (I’m still not convinced I have ANY estrogen left after that hysterectomy debacle. But that’s another story entirely.)
I find myself re-defining who I am.
It’s a scary feeling. I do realize that the only person who can help me find my OWN way…is me. I am finally, after all these years, thinking about and searching for what makes me happy, content, fulfilled and complete. I’m not sure where this new path will take me, but I am mustering up all the courage I can.
I have a strange inkling that I’m gonna need it.