Security Check (aka How to Amuse your Neighbors...)

Sure fire way to test the locks on all your doors and windows if you are on pins and needles after discovering a stalker?

Lock you and your two teenage girls outside of the house with their Starbucks drinks and ALL your keys inside the house.

Me: “I am CALLING 911!!! RIGHT NOW!!”

The girls (calmly) “Stop it MOTHER, we’ll get in.”

Time it takes for two teenage girls and one hysterical fifty-year-old woman to break into their own house?

4.5 minutes.

Oh, and let’s not forget to always checks the sliding door on the deck. Apparently it opens easily from the outside with a debit card.


Wait, are those antlers REAL???

I’m proclaiming today “Random facts about Vodka” day. I give you a few tidbits about my crazy life. Buckle up people:

1. I took a cross-country trip from my home in Tiny Town, Pennsylvania to California (to live) several months after graduating from University of Smyhte at Smeethtown. I went with a girl from Australia and a redheaded fella from West Virginia that I met while working as a bartender at Ocean City, Maryland that summer. I STILL can’t believe my mother let me go, and if she were alive today I would drop to my knees and thank her for having the courage to let me go. (However, if Sassy were to say she wanted to go I might pack her bags myself.)

2. During said cross-country trip I won a beer chugging contest at a crowded bar on the levee in St. Louis. I ROCKED and we all drank for free that whole night. Needless to say, we had to make many stops the next day as I puked my way across several states.

3. I was a bartender in a, um, gentleman's club in San Diego for several months. I DID wear clothes (I was not as voluptuous as the waitresses’, but I had been a gymnast for TEN years, so I wasn't too shabby) and my roommate ended up making a BOATload of money whipped cream wrestling there once a week. (She was a bit crazy.) However, I did laugh hysterically at her the first time she went onstage wearing the deer antlers she found at the local Goodwill tied to her head. She fell flat on her a** and the antlers went flying. Jesus, I’m still laughing about that one.

4. When I lived in California I was invited to a lovely Christmas Dinner at the incredible home of a rich, well-to-do family who had befriended us. I decided to bring my Grandmother’s famous Christmas Bean Soup (a tradition of my mother’s large Slovak family…). I forgot how GASSY everyone would get after eating it. Needless to say, I have NEVER served that at a party since. NEVER!!!!!

5. Two summers ago I had a jewelry party at my house (against my better judgment) for a friend of mine. When the consultant was preparing her grand displays, my son proudly said to her, “My mother said that if she weren’t HOSTING this party, she would NEVER be going to it.” It appears he has inherited the foot-in-mouth gene from my side of the family.

6. When I was studying for my teaching degree at San Diego State, I did my student teaching at an elementary school in Solana Beach. One of the girls in my class was Angelah Colley- the daughter of John Ford Colley. Remember England Dan and John Ford Colley? That was cool. (She was a little doll.)

7. I went to law school for two years in San Diego before my mother died suddenly, which sent my into (I have finally realized) a breakdown. (My father died suddenly seven years earlier.) I decided I would probably die young, and didn’t want to spend my life listening to people’s problems. I went back to school and got my teaching degree. I have never, ever regretted it. Not really. Well, maybe the money thing. Maybe.

8. I know I told some of you this before, but it demands repeating. One day when I was teaching fifth grade, I wore pajamas to school. I thought they were classy daywear from V. Secret, but the girls kept saying, "Mrs. Smith, are you wearing pajamas?” When I got home I called my sister, who sent them to me, and she said, “Hell YES they’re pajamas!” So there. Dang.

9. I love my kids so much it hurts. Really.

10. I’ve written two children’s books. I’m determined to get them published, even if they DO stink. Good grief, I AM a teacher, don’t I have an INKLING what teachers and kids like? Just an inkling???

11. My favorite, favorite, favorite movies are Lord of the Rings; Bridget Jones Diaries; The Shawshank Redemption; Cold Mountain; Pride and Prejudice and Hellboy. I watch them every time they are on TV, and the girls make TOTAL fun of me. I don’t give a crap. (I love Hellboy’s line “How can we pick up anyone when we ride around in a GARBAGE truck?”).

I have more embarrassing and hysterical memories, but I don’t want to reveal my true self all at once.

Call it playing hard to get.


Worth your time...

I know, I know, I know. We are all busy - and I am no exception. What, with trying to deal with this STALKING issue, finding winners for these contests, parent/teacher conferences, someone actually has to do the laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc., there are hardly moments in the day to read blogs.

HOWEVER, I can't stop myself. So, for your reading pleasure, please check out these places. You WON'T regret it. (Consider it a little field trip....)

For a fantastic read about balloon boy, visit this brilliant fella Hutch.

If you are looking for writing pointers and incredible advice about writing, go here. (Read the 10 ways to being a better writer- FANTASTIC!)

And, Kevin never, never disappoints. Same with Brian, and this amazing woman.

And, if you are a writer of children's books, YA, you have to follow this blog. You should seriously consider going to the NY conference. I had an amazing encounter there, which I might just talk about this weekend!

And, thanks so much for the support and advice for Sassy and the stalking issue. We are doing all we can to keep her safe and secure. Our eyes and ears are always open and a little prayer from you all surely helps!

Now, go visit those people!

I'm closing comments, so no excuses. So says the teacher.


Um, What did you Say???

I’ve decided to hold a little on line in-service, in honor of the one I will be attending myself today. It has come to my attention that some of YOU are fluent in our kindergartenese. Now, in case you missed our first session, here it is. Oh, and please initial the sign-in sheet at the bottom so you can receive your ACT 48 CREDIT HOURS.

In order to be a successful kindergarten teacher, one must be bi-lingual. You must be fluent in what we like to call kindergarten-ese. Here are some of the more common words used in this language, followed by a sentence in which that word is used. This might shed some light on its definition!

Disausted: Mrs. Smith, I’m disausted.
Shmergency: If someone cuts off your head, it’s a shmergency.
Chickmunk: Did you see that huge chickmunk?
Balentimes: Here are my balentimes, Mrs. Smith.
Bodder: Shoe-fly, don’t bodder me…
Udder: The udder day, I got a new transformer!
Invincible: (not to be confused with the real word.) If you can’t see me Mrs. Smith, it’s because I’m invincible.
Micole: My big sister Micole is mean to me.
Remembery: Don’t worry, Mrs. Smith. I have a great remembery!
Tomayo: I’m gonna bring my doll to show-and-tell tomayo.
Wunch: Mrs. Smith, I don’t wike what’s for wunch.
Wike: Mrs. Smith, I don’t wike what’s for wunch.
Towin: My name is Towin. (Collin. Yes, the speech teacher will be coming in to take a look at this one...)
Fad: Is Fad here today? (Thad)
Nafanial: No! It's not Nafaniel, It's Nataniel (From one of our Korean students, talking about Nathaniel...)
Bomit - I'm gonna bomit.
Mushally - Mushally the moon is yellow, but last night it was red.
Betended - She just betended to throw up.
Cyean - We need to cyean up before yunch.
Yunch – We need to cyean up before yunch.

I fink that after six years, I’m pwactically fwuent.


Screaming is not the answer (aka I'll never learn...)

Age that your angelic spoiled third born ONLY son will swear at you and tell you that you are the WORST MOTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD???

11 years 4 months.

Age that YOU will then (kind of) swear at your angelic spoiled third born ONLY son and lose your temper and yell at him like a crazed screaming banshee???

50 years 1 month.

I’m too old for this crap.

Homework should be BANNED FROM THIS EARTH. p.s.


Scribble, scrabble, scrubble...

Today’s telling sharing in kindergarten here in Smith Elementary in Smythe, Oregon. (Frankly, it was just what the doctor ordered.)

Jim: I had a soccer scribble yesterday. You know, it’s kinda like a game but not really. A scribble.

Gertrude: I went to my mom’s cousin’s wedding in Miss Concert. (In case you need to brush up on your kindergartenese, that means Wisconsin.)

John: I declime.

Fred: I decrime.

Sally: I saw a meteor shower yast night.

Susie: I saw TWO meteor showers last night.

Jane: I saw FIVE meteor showers last night….and….and …they HIT my ROOF and my HOUSE catched on FIRE. (big smile).

Frank: I declimb.

I love this job………….

(I will post contest winners tomorrow. I'm disausted.)



Advice to young girls:

1. When someone likes you and won’t leave you alone (for two years) when you ask him to leave you alone- there is something wrong.

2. When you are worried that there is something wrong with a situation and you are getting SCARED, tell someone. Tell your best friend, tell your teacher, tell the Dare/police officer at school, tell your sister or TELL YOUR PARENTS. We are here to keep you safe.

3. When a person scares you and makes you too nervous to go anywhere alone- you must ask for help. That is what your parents DO, that is what police officers DO and that is what FRIENDS do. They help.

4. Always be aware of your surroundings. Keep a hundred eyes open – when you go to your car, when you go to the store, when you walk to your school – always, always, always be aware of what’s around you.

5. If said someone tried to approach you and engage you in conversation – go the other direction. Get our your phone and CALL 911!! And, I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE in conversation with said scary person. And if that person shows up outside your classroom even though they DON'T go to school there, go TELL SOMEONE.

6. If a police officer tells you that said person is dangerous – believe it. We do.

7. Be brave, be safe, make good choices- but never, never, never blame yourself for the actions of others.

8. And, most importantly, no matter WHAT might have happened with said “person” it is NOT YOUR FAULT that this is happening. Did you hear that? IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

That’s not ten things, but you people know that I can’t count.

I want to thank you ALL for your marvelous advice, your emails, your ideas and your comforting thoughts. We all deal with “life issues” daily, don’t we? Some are scarier than others, and some require some help.

It’s incredible to know that with a quick peck of the computer we can surround ourselves with love and support.

I am amazed.

And very, very thankful.


Mom, can we talk???

You know how the momma Grizzly Bear will attack anyone who threatens her young, and will rip them apart with her bare hands?

I totally get it.

Sassy: “Mom, I have something I need to tell you. I think I’m being stalked. Well, I KNOW I’m being stalked. You remember Georgie Peorgie? He’s been texting me, and Facebook stalking me and won’t leave me alone.”

Me: “ What? WHAT????!!! How long has this been going on?????”

Sassy: “For a long time. Since last year, but now I’m really scared. When I was downtown the other day I looked up and he was in a car beside me riding very slowly! And he also showed up at school one day (he graduated a year ago) and cornered me after one of my classes! Mom, I am scared all the time and I don’t know what to do.” Then, the tears were flowing...

At this point in our discussion I started majorly freaking out. I listened as she told me how many times she has run into this boy, about how he lives with his father in a town 40 miles AWAY and I have got to tell you all how much this has SCARED ME TO DEATH.

I explained to her that THIS WAS STALKING. This is the kind of thing that people DO report to the police and then the wheels in my head started turning.

Tightwad’s younger brother is a STATE TROOPER in a neighboring town. Called him. Sassy’s godfather is an agent with the Attorney General’s office and lives nearby. Left a message for him. I called the principal at the high school and left a message. I don’t think it’s out of the question to find out how a PERSON WHO DOESN’T GO TO SCHOOL THERE can get in and find my daughter. Is it?

Then, the weirdest thing happened. Last night I attended Sassy’s high school homecoming parade. It was attended by hundreds and hundreds of people, (it’s a rather large high school – 700 seniors) and I watched the stadium fill up for the awards ceremony after the parade. The stadium is in the middle of our little college town here in Oregon, and they close most of the streets for it. The stadium is kind of sunken, and you can observe what’s going on through the large iron fence that surrounds the stadium. The area from where I was watching was PACKED. Imagine my surprise when I turned to my right and saw the STALKER standing BESIDE ME.

That’s right.

I quickly turned and looked toward the field. “What to do?” I wondered. It didn’t take long to decide. I turned to him.

“Georgie?” I said. He looked at me and smiled.

“I’m Sassy’s mom. Remember me?” He looked a bit surprised, and said, “Yes!”

I looked him in the eye and said “You are scaring Sassy and you are scaring me. You need to STOP texting her and stalking her. If you don’t, we will have to go to the police.”

“I know, I know. I will. I’m sorry.” And he looked a bit surprised and embarrassed, but kept standing there. I decided I needed to go stand somewhere else.

Am I scared for Sassy? Yes. Have we done all we can do? I don’t know. Will I forget about this? No.

It’s times like this I am NOT happy that Tightwad is working away from home. But frankly, that boy is *&%$ lucky that he wasn’t with me last night.

If he had been, they’d still be searching for him.


Would that be NORTH or SOUTH????

A word of warning to parents traveling to sporting events across your gorgeous state of Oregon.

1. When reading the directions, try to determine if the Route 44 you are supposed to take is a N or S. This will prove important, and will help you NOT to drive 24 miles in the wrong direction.

2. When the back, twisty, country roads say the speed limit is 25 mph, make sure you follow THAT rule. Odds are great that many farmers will be driving their QUITE LARGE tractors on this particular back road on this gorgeous sunny afternoon.

3. When the directions say you will travel 28.6 miles on a desolate, windy, mountainous Rte 687, they really mean 4000.

4. When you stop (for the third time) at a tiny house converted into a gas station/convenience store, and the girl behind the counter has piercings ALL over her face and is sporting an incredible hair-do with two distinct colors, don’t let her fool ya. SHE’S the one who will finally give you the right directions. In fact, you might want to kiss her.

5. When you arrive at this out of the way field in time to see the last 25 minutes of play, you will smile. Because there, on that field, you will watch your daughter play with incredible athleticism and grace – and you will know in your heart that this twisty, windy, frustrating trip to nowhere has really been a trip to somewhere. And, it has been worth it. In many more ways than you can measure.

However, next time you might want to pack a lunch.

And a banjo.


Are you ready, Peter?

Yesterday I was helping E. get ready to go outside. He already had on his boots and snow-pants and as I was at the zipping his coat part. He looked me in the eye and said, " Man, these snowpants are squeezing my Peter."

Yep. Those were his exact words.

(This is from the "lost files". Don't forget about this contest for the Phil Done book, and this one with Free Vampire Stuff!!!! They will both conclude on Friday!!!)


Secrets to Driving your MOTHER INSANE…by her teenage daughter.

1. Wait until late in the day before you start your first job to tell your mother that you need new black pants and a WHITE shirt to wear to your job the NEXT MORNING. She knows how fun it is to shop with someone who thinks she’s fat and nothing fits her. (Frankly, she’d rather sit through a root canal with no anesthesia.)

2. If you’re lucky, it’ll be the day of the local college HOMECOMING football extravaganza, and the stores, streets, parking lots and intersections will all be packed.

3. If you are triply lucky, your particular town (In Oregon) will have had a freak snowstorm that closed schools, and brought down branches, trees and power lines, making the shopping spree even more enjoyable. (Did we fail to mention that all parking lots of said stores were doubling as designating tailgate areas?)

4. After your mother goes to bed, you and your sister could bake the double bag of Betty Crocker chocolate chip cookie mix, and then leave a hell of a mess in the kitchen for your mother to discover in the morning. (Make sure to cover your ears while you’re sleeping.)

5. Insist that your mother hem your pants (with real thread and not duct tape) one hour before you are to leave for work. Then, stand two feet from her – all the while breathing down her neck and rattle her SO much that she sews both hems on the OUTSIDE of the pants. This will REALLY make her happy. (Who knew she could hem in under ten minutes when under pressure?)

6. Oh, and make sure that the only way you speak to her during this whole enjoyable weekend is by yelling. Very loud.


The Question of the Day

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night with questions swirling around in your head? I know I'm not the only post-hysterectomy woman who can't sleep past 3:00 in the morning no matter WHAT time she goes to bed. Okay, so I don't get the hot flashes (any more) that radiate from somewhere inside you and make you feel like that volcano out in Hawaii that is constantly erupting - but I still can't sleep through the night.

It's in these wee early morning hours that my brain goes CRAZY! These are the questions that kept my up last night. Hopefully some of you geniuses out there can help me.

1. Has anyone EVER gotten paid from Google Adsense? I know I'm making a few bucks a month, but I've been doing it for 15 months and have never received a check. Have any of YOU?

2. How do I make a vlog? Do I record myself on my Photo Booth? Can I record myself on another application? Can I make it look like I've lost 20 pounds? Can I photoshop myself?

3. How is it that my widget says that I have 1130 followers, and I only have 281 votes over at Blogger's Choice? Is it too much trouble to take 5 minutes to sign up? It only took me 15 minutes to sign up myself, Tightwad, Bitchy, Sassy, The Golden Boy and my two dogs. (Perhaps I'm just not that *&%^ funny.) (By the way- It's under my OLD name of Waitress Where's My Martini... perhaps THAT was the problem all along!!!)

4. How can I get more people to enter my two contests to benefit Dove's Self-Esteem promotion? I'm enticing them with Vampire stuff and Phil Done!! Should I promise a copy of the movie "300"? Wait, if I do that, I'd have to enter them myself. (Now I've gone and distracted myself.) (And how can I make these images BIGGER when I upload them?????? Never mind on that one- someone just taught me HOW!)

5. How can I jump-start my metabolism? I am going to the gym, watching what I eat and STILL not losing weight. What the hell is wrong with me? (Sassy, hide those chips.) Frankly, I think I'm going in the OTHER direction.


The Standing "O"

How to get a standing ovation from your fellow staff members at lunchtime?

Sing "Five Little Pumpkins" (without thinking) in the FACULTY bathroom while the adjacent faculty LUNCHROOM is packed. (Then, when you TRY to tell them you were just trying to see if you remembered all the words, they will NOT buy it.)

Now I finally understand why the kids sing in our kid bathrooms without even realizing it.

I think I might need a sabbatical.

An Open Apology to the Shoppers of Smith’s Upscale Market in Smythe, Oregon.

Ahem. If you were unfortunately shopping at the popular market in town (that specializes in delicious prepared food) tonight, I humbly apologize for my family’s behavior.

I tried to take Bitchy out for a little birthday treat (She choose the place, people, not me.) when our plans went horribly awry. How was I to know that Sassy and The Golden Boy would engage in a screaming match in front of the Sushi display case? How was I to know that their heated exchange would get louder and meaner by the second?

And, because I was already exhausted from my hectic life as BASICALLY a single parent, I had about as much patience as, well, any OTHER (single parent) kindergarten teacher at 5 pm after a day with no specials or breaks.

Before I realized where we were, or what I was doing, I started screaming right with them.

Next time I offer to do anything nice for anyone, somebody stop me.

Now, if you'll excuse me I am going to my room. I've put MYSELF in a time-out.

(And Cheezus *&^%$#, if someone around here doesn't help me with these *&^%$ dogs, we're having mystery meat for dinner tomorrow night. And it ain't beef.)


Father Knows Best....

John: "Hi Mrs. Smith"...( dramatically coughing)

Me: "John, are you sick?"

John: "I don't know, everytime I cough my Dad says I'm full of it...but I still have to come to school."


Don't forget my contests for Dove's self-esteem program!

Also, please visit our friends Jill and Angie.

Yeah, this contest is still going on...a vote or two would be greatly appreciated....(I used to be Waitress Where's My Martini....and thank you so much if you already voted.)

And Bitchy and I thank you so much for the birthday wishes. And in case you were wondering, the letter made her cry. Just a bit.....


The meeting for all vampire lovers will now begin...

Have I got a GREAT prize for someone!!!!

I received a VERY cool offer from Universal Pictures (you heard me) to giveaway a GREAT PACKAGE for the new movie, The Vampire's Assistant!!!

Watch the trailer here......

Here's the deal:

In Theaters October 23rd

One (1) Grand Prize winner receives:
$50 Fandango.com Gift Card
Youth backpack, T-shirt, Locker mirror and copy of the book The Vampire's Assistant and Other Tales from the Cirque Du Freak by Darren Shan!


Four (4) Additional winners will receive:
Youth backpack, T-shirt, Locker mirror and copy of the book The Vampire's Assistant and Other Tales from the Cirque Du Freak by Darren Shan!

I KNOW there are tons of you Twilight fans, True Blood fans, and basic vampire fanatics (yeah, I am counting myself) who would love this stuff.

What do you need to do? I think you know. Go over to the Dove page and leave a comment. (This cause is so close to my heart...) Leave one here as well, and I'll put you in the drawing. This will end on Friday. Okay? Okay.

Firm my, well, you know...

Dear Jergens Skin Firming Moisturizing (Firmer Skin in 2 weeks!) Lotion.

You Lie.

I’ve been using this stuff for two years and frankly, I think it’s doing the opposite.

I’d like my money back.


A somewhat saggy vodkamom.


Princess Shmincess...

I have a cool pencil collection that I keep it on my table, and when the children are working at my center they may use them.

Yesterday, one little girl was using the Disney pencil that is covered with Disney princesses. She pointed to a princess and said to her neighbor, “This one is called the tramp.”

Frankly, I laughed out loud.

(Don't forget to enter my giveaway! It supports Dove and self-esteem. And yeah, yeah, yeah, I fixed the link. You guys KNOW I like to *#$@ up once a day, right?)


Free Books, Phil Done, Flowers from my Garden and Dove...

Let it NOT be said that I am too proud to sponsor a giveaway! Geez, if I can fall on my face in front of a billion gas-pumping soccer moms, and watch kids pick their noses all day, I can CERTAINLY offer an incredibly cool giveaway.

First, here’s the bait. Remember how obsessed I am with Phil Done? He’s the author of Thirty Two Third Graders and One Class Bunny – which I loved. His next book is out, and he sent me TWO copies: One for me, and one for you. And you know what? I’m giving them both away! (The second one goes as soon as I finish it, which will surely be this weekend.)

My ulterior motive in all of this is to bring awareness to Dove’s program on self-esteem for young women. As the mother of two young ladies, this is a cause near and dear to my heart. Read about Sassy’s struggle, and you’ll understand.

In order to be in the drawing to win a book, here’s the deal. Please click here and leave a comment. (It should be working now!!!) If you Twitter the contest you can get another entry, and if you go to the Dove page from mine, you can have ANOTHER entry. Of course, let me know when you do that. Three entries max, per person.

Thanks, guys. The book is fantastic, but the cause is the real heart of the matter.


I've fallen and I can't get up...

Things I learned in Kindergarten today. (Here in Smythe, Oregon.)

1. When you find a cool play tool collection at a yard sale, make sure you remove the batteries from the FIVE assorted power tools that make loud noises for ALL of the 30 minutes of Free Play.

2. If a boy who has been out for four days comes to school basically because it’s his birthday, odds are GREAT that he will throw up all over the floor at the painting center. Twice.

3. Don’t wear gorgeous clogs to school if you think perhaps you might have to run with a garbage can.

4. When an adorable girl comes to you with something in her fingers during read aloud, don’t assume it’s one of the thousand staples they pick up daily off the carpet and thrust into your face. The blood around her lips might give you a clue about what she is holding.

5. When pumping gas at the end of the day at the local Uni-Mart (the one CROWDED with cars and people) don’t try to jump the hose that connects the pump to your gas tank. You probably won’t jump high enough and will land FLAT ON YOUR FACE in front of God, the billion other friends and neighbors getting gas, and the kid in your class who was sitting in the car at the next pump watching you (Guess what HE’LL be sharing at telling sharing tomorrow.)

OMG, I am still laughing about that. I fell FLAT ON MY FACE people. Have I told you I used to be a gymnast? HAVE I?

Man, You can’t take me anywhere.


A Peek Into My Heaven...

I know, I know. Most people make “To Do” lists. Well, today I thought I’d make a “Things I Did” List for yesterday.


1. Had a knock down drag out screaming match with Sassy RIGHT before she walked out the door. Honestly, we’ve been doing it for almost 8 years now, and it just feels right. (Next time remind me that in the heat of the moment I should NOT scream the words “You’re POC MEDICINE is NOT WORKING!” It only adds lighter fluid to the already blazing inferno. )

2. Reminded The Golden Boy that I would pick him up after detention. That’s right, you heard me. D.E.T.E.N.T.I.O.N. Oh, and I also shouted at him to remember his HOMEWORK THIS TIME for God’s sake. I tried not to say, “I told you so.” It was tough.

3. Received a phone call from Bitchy - she happily informed me that she “thinks she really IS passing some obscure Bio class! WooHoo!”. Oh My Lord. That’s what our billion-dollar loan is paying for. Almost passing.

4. I forgot to take the garbage to the curb for the garbage man. I’ve got three full cans of stinky garbage that will smolder for another week. Call me crazy, but I might be the most popular neighbor by next Monday.

I need a nap.


Exactly what IS your name, my friend?

Dear 弗兰克 , 弗兰克, 弗兰克 , FreeFun0616, or whatever your real name is:

I want to thank you for dropping by last night and leaving 184 comments on all of my posts last night! (Wait, the number might be increasing- I see your are leaving some AS WE SPEAK!)

I hope you found the posts funny, touching, intriguing, surprising and just downright fabulous.

However, I can't understand any of your insightful comments, as I DON'T SPEAK CHINESE.

So, while I appreciate the boost in my comment numbers and the VISITS, let's keep the comments in English, okay?

(I'd hate to have to take out a restraining order.)

(Oh, and can you spare a minute to go see what Dove is doing for Women- and the struggle my Sassy went through.....it's on-going...any advice would be appreciated.)


Oh what a tangled web we weave...

Dear Golden Boy,

You really had me fooled. Here I thought all this time that YOU were the child who was “golden.” You were always nice, never mean, didn’t talk back (too much) and never lied. Never in a million years did I suspect that YOU would drag me through that grief mill that your sisters took me through.

On Friday when I saw you doing cool stuff with that Silly Putty, I was impressed. Who doesn’t love Silly Putty? And when I asked you very innocently where you got it, you replied immediately, “From Mike- in my class!” and you had a huge smile on your face.

I totally bought it. I smiled and said how nice it was that this kid gave you that. And I went about my business.

Then, when I went through my teacher bag this morning to do my lesson planning for the week, guess what was missing? The brand new package of Silly Putty I had purchased for a science lesson tomorrow.

It’s gone. Huh. I wonder where it could be.

Oh, and guess what was in that huge present you unknowingly gave me? Five years of suspicion, that’s what.

Good luck trying to lie about anything REAL important. You just blew it.


Can't at least ONE of us be honest?

I just crack up every time I read about someone listing their favorite books of all time. I do. I shake my head and shout, “TELL THE TRUTH!”

It’s always the same: “And what is on your beside, Mr. Famousperson? To which they always reply, “Well, right now I am reading War and Peace, The Encyclopedia Britannica, Webster’s Dictionary and The Bible. “

Come on people, can’t someone be HONEST for once?

Can’t someone just say, “I love Reader’s Digest when I’m in the bathroom, Stephen King’s "Duma Key" was pretty great, and right now I’m reading a trashy romance by someone whose name escapes me. I don’t remember the title but it has a hot couple making out on the cover and I THINK it takes place in a remote castle in Scotland.

Yeah, here are a few books from my bedside table.

At least I’m honest.


I'll take "Slow, Painful Deaths" for $400, Alex.

The Question: "What is the most painful way to kill a kindergarten teacher?"

The Answer: "Show and Tell."


The Wonder Years...

Dear Mom,


I realize that I can’t change any of the events that have happened in my life. I know I can’t bring you back and I truly DO try to look forward and not backwards; but some days ... I wonder.

I wonder if you stand by me as I watch my children stumble, fumble and bumble through life. Have you seen me cry after our many screaming matches? Do you feel my heart swell with pride as I watch the young woman that Bitchy is becoming? Do you nod your head knowingly as I watch Sassy fight like a tiger on the field of play? Do you send me advice as I struggle to help the Golden Boy find his way?

Yeah, I often wonder.

My heart returns to you often, hoping that you feel its truth, that you feel my strength and that you feel my love. And when I despair and struggle and painfully put one foot in front of the other, are you the one who lifts me?


I wonder.

(Sometimes, if I listen very, very hard, I can hear you laugh...)


Smythe, Oregon - The New Melting Pot.

As most of you know, my kindergarten class this year has 25 students. Of these kids, five don’t speak English. These children get to visit the ELL (formerly ESL) teacher each day for 30 minutes where they enjoy a small group atmosphere and are provided many cool opportunities to learn some basics of the English Language.

One day last week when these children were gathered together to follow Mrs. Jones (the previously mentioned ELL teacher) out of the room, I overheard little George ask his neighbor Frank a question.

“Hey, WHERE are 约翰, 乔治, 죤, Джон and 弗兰克 going? (I changed the names to protect the innocent.)

“Aw, they’re just going to figure out what language they're speakin'.” Then Frank turned to me, “Mrs. Smith, exactly how long will that take?”